How to …

Be a good wingman

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue date: 2/04/08
Section: Life

One of the best ways to prove your loyalty to a friend is to act as his or her wingman. Invest a single evening in finding your friend exactly what they want and you may just illustrate your commitment to the friendship. Also, it can be a lot of fun.

1. To be a good wingman, you really can’t have anything better to do. If you’ve got your own affairs on the brain all night, you’re not going to find the perfect date for your friend – who we will now refer to as the pilot. Save your ventures into the dating pool for a night when you have nothing else planned. Get your homework done beforehand and set your Tivo to record anything you might miss. This will help with the next step.

2. Keep your mind in the game. This can be tough. You’ve got to remember that you’re not there for yourself, but simply as a tool for the pilot. Be sure to continually play the role of intuitive personal assistant, and don’t step into the spotlight. Never point out a merit of your own, keeping your focus on the pilot’s strengths. Try not to let this persona slip even once during the night.

3. If you just can’t find the motivation, remember that if you find your friend a good date, he or she will owe you something. Think of it as collecting points. If you do this favor for them, they are much more likely to do one for you in the future – especially if they find an ideal mate.

4. Don’t make yourself too attractive. You’ve got to be sure that the pilot is just a bit more resplendent and alluring than you are, or a terrible reversal of roles might occur. If you’re the one who winds up with a date at the end of the night, and the pilot goes home alone, you’ll just grow further apart.

5. Be honest with the pilot. If they want you to reel them in a fish that you clearly see they’ll never hook, tell them. Don’t be blunt or rude, but politely recommend that they start out fishing in shallower waters. Point out prospective mates that are a more reasonable match. This is true in the opposite situation as well: If the pilot is only shooting for minnows, tell them that they deserve a swordfish, at least, and encourage them to try for one.

6. Finally, don’t take any of your metaphors too far. You’ll regret it a second later.

How to …

Not become just like your parents

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue Date: 1/28/08
Section: Life

Most people under approximately thirty years of age are terrified of becoming just like their parents. Seeing your mother’s reflection when you look in the mirror could be a just cause for a midlife crisis or twenties-tailspin. We constantly catch ourselves using the same phrases or acting the same way as our parents, and it can be horrifying. But the good news is it’s not completely unavoidable. There are a few steps that you can take to avoid becoming exactly like your parents.

1. Make a list – on an actual piece of paper with an actual pen – of your parents’ characteristics that you never want to see in yourself. Make a few copies, and paste them up around your house. Unless you still live with your parents, that is. They might take offense. But keep the list where you can see it quite often, and keep what you’ve written in your head constantly.

2. Take some advice from Benjamin Franklin. I’m sure you’ve all heard about the list of values he wanted to exemplify, and how he reached his goals. He said that you should take just one item from your list and work on it for a week or two. Every time you mess up, take note of it. Once you get through your list, start at the beginning again.

3. Consider all of your parents’ accomplishments. Then try to do better. This works especially well if you’re naturally competitive. If your dad earns $50,000 a year, set a goal to earn $75,000. Your mom got a bachelor’s degree? Shoot for a master’s. Try to knock their record out of the park.

4. Think of this as a global effort. After all, what’s the point of procreation if the new generation isn’t better than its predecessor? Make it a goal to do your part in making your generation more evolved than your parents’.

5. I know this sounds appalling, but it might actually help to talk to your parents. Ask them what they regret, and what they would have done differently if they had the chance. Then actually use the advice they gave you. It might be absolutely torturous to think about, but try to learn from their mistakes.

6. If all this sounds like too much work, you can focus on not doing what your parents did. If your mom is a teacher, don’t become a teacher. If your dad drives an SUV, don’t buy an SUV. Obviously, your parents had children, so you shouldn’t. If they went on a semester abroad, then steer clear of the honors program.

How to …

Avoid a Ticket

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue Date: 1/22/08
Section: Life

For the second installation in The College Times’ How To series, we will try to teach students how to bypass a traffic violation.

1. Don’t do anything illegal.

2. If that doesn’t work out for you, at least keep an eye out for hidden police cars. This is easier in the winter, because they will usually be the only cars parked on the side of the road without frost on their windows and snow on their hood. Also, police cars will be turned on, so you will be able to see a fog coming from their exhaust pipe. If you make the same commute every day, you should have a good idea of where your local policemen like to hide.

3. If you do get pulled over, the first rule is that you must be respectful to the cop. Even though you’re probably angry and frustrated and late for something, never let this show when handing over your license and registration. Turn your engine and radio off completely, and give your full attention to the officer. Don’t make jokes, don’t be sarcastic, and don’t tell the officer that he has beautiful eyes. These tactics never work. Just realize that the person who pulled you over is probably overworked and underpayed, and deserves your respect.

4. Cops will generally ask you why they pulled you over. So before the officer comes to your window, make a mental list of all the illegal things you have done. Are both your brake lights working? Are you wearing a seatbelt? Did you speed? Was there a stop sign you could have possibly rolled through? If, for example, all of these are true, it would probably be wise to mournfully admit that you weren’t wearing a seat belt, because it is the most common and has a smaller punishment. Even if you don’t regret this, feign actual remorse. If it seems that you are already punishing your self, there is a slight chance that the officer will let you go with a lesser penalty.

5. Don’t panic in front of the officer. When he’s back in his patrol car, go ahead and freak out. If you manage to create a few tears, maybe don’t wipe them off your face until he comes back, but put on a facade that implies, ‘I know what I did was wrong, and I deserve whatever punishment you give me.’ If you look panicky in front of the officer, she will think that you have done something else that she doesn’t know about.

5. If you are a female, a little dash of damsel-in-distress can’t hurt. Just don’t over do it.

6. Sometimes, there’s just no way that you can avoid getting a ticket. If you feel that you have been wronged, you can always fight it in court. Unless you were obviously in violation of traffic law, the ticket will usually be waived if you go to that much trouble.

C!

C is for cats, because they are wonderful.

C is for clients. I have them, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

C is for college, because I go there very often.

C is for collage, because I haven’t in so very long.

C is for crochet, because I feel like I’m abandoning it.C is for comeuppance, because I’m sure the weather is just here to punish someone in the county who has done something terrible. But we’re all paying for it.

C is for Caturday, because it is a beautiful thing.