Category Archives: College Times articles

Streamlining.

I decided that instead of posting all of my articles here, I should create a blog/portfolio/resume thing. So if you want to read them, just head over to my new portfolio.

Also, you can still see everything from the UVU Review at our website.

Or, come July 1st, you can head over to iTunes U (in the top lefthand box on the iTunes store homepage, there is a list. The last item on the list is iTunes U) and see PDF copies of the paper, podcasts, videos, etc.

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How to become a saint

By: Mel Sundquist

Section: Life
Issue Date: 3/31/08

March is a very Christian time of year. All in one month, we had to deal with the end of Lent, Palm Sunday, St. Patrick’s Day, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, and Easter Monday. And in the same way April reminds us to prepare our tax return, March can remind us to stay on the track towards sainthood.

. You’ve got to have patience. The official process can take decades, or even centuries, which most likely means that you won’t see much of it during your lifetime.

. Technically, you have to be dead for five years before the official process can begin. So you’ll have to align your life in the meantime so that when you finally do die, you’re all set for sainthood. It’s like zipping up your purse and tying your shoes before you get on a roller coaster. You’ve got all that time while you’re waiting in line to prepare, and if you don’t, your shoes will fall off and the contents of your bag will fly everywhere and you will be too late to take control of it.

. Be sure to write about how fabulous you are in your journal, and make sure that your local bishop will eventually get a hold of it. If he deems your life significant and devoted to God, then he should follow procedure and fling you up to the next rung in the ladder.

. Here’s the tough part: miracles. Many think that you must create miracles while you’re alive, but really they are usually done posthumously. This unfortunate obstacle obviously makes the route much more difficult. Try to convince people to pray to your spirit to help them in hard times, because if you haven’t made two posthumous miracles, you’re pretty much screwed.

. Your life must be devoted to God. Now, you’re welcome to interpret this however you’d like. Whether it’s preaching a message, or helping those around you, you’ve got to find some cause (that the Pope would approve of) and devote yourself to it entirely.

. Sometimes you can beat the system. Mother Theresa was promoted to sainthood before she even died — because of the outcry of the people. Before there was a specific procedure for canonization, saints were made by popular opinion.

. It doesn’t hurt to be baptized as a Catholic. In fact, actual this is most likely one of those unwritten rules.

. If all else fails, take a cue from King Henry VIII and create your own religion. Then you can make yourself and all of your friends into saints. You could play this to your advantage even more by canonizing the pizza delivery boy instead of tipping him.

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How to leave high school in the past

By: Mel Sundquist

Section: Life
Issue Date: 3/24/08

Unfortunately, for many people, graduation isn’t the end of high school.
Even though they move on to college and get jobs, they still might as well be planning club events and going to prom.

On television, the transition between high school and college is a complete and obvious change; but in real life, it sometimes seems anti-climactic and hard to recognize.

This leads to a pattern of denial, where graduates ignore the fact that their high school years are far behind them. This must be avoided at all costs. And here’s how:

1. Change your activities. If you were a drama geek in high school, find another hobby. Don’t eat lunch every day at your old favorite off-campus haunt. In the end, we are made up of what we do every day; and if your activities don’t change, neither will your mindset. You must live like you are officially not a high school student.

2. Have goals, not just hopes. In high school, it’s easy to say “One day I’m going to be a (insert dream occupation here).” But now, you’ve got to get past that and actually do some work to get to where you want to be. You no longer have an excuse to remain stagnant.

3. Never go back. Even if you made friends with the sophomores and you want to watch the football games, you must not allow yourself to be on campus again. Don’t date anyone who is still in high school. Don’t even associate with them. Ignore that the institution exists, if need be.

4. Associate with older people. Sometimes it’s hard to realize that you no longer need to sit at the kiddie table. You can stay up past curfew. You can smoke, drink and gamble. Convince yourself that you are an adult, and should therefore associate with other adults.

5. Move out of your parent’s house. Sure, it’s tough. Nobody wants to do his or her own laundry or buy groceries. But you can only grow up so much without moving out.

6. Change your wardrobe. An important aspect to moving on is looking like you have moved on. If you dress like a high school student, you are going to be treated like one. This doesn’t mean that it’s strictly collared shirts and nylons from here on out. You should make a physical distinction between yourself and the local high school students.

7. Get it out of your system. Even though it may seem that after graduation you should make drastic changes, give yourself some time to adjust. Don’t buy houses and have babies immediately. Give yourself a year or so to remove yourself completely from high school before doing anything too extreme.

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How to get away with being politically incorrect

By: Mel Sundquist

Section: Life
Issue Date: 3/10/08

Some days it is simply impossible to be considerate and kind.

Everyone knows that if they don’t let some negative energy out somehow, they might just explode. One of the best ways to do this is to put a comedic spin on that negativity. That way, by letting it out, you’re also getting a laugh. However, you have to be careful when using this method, because the repercussions can make the situation worse than it was to start out with.

1. Take a tip from the pros. There are many people who make a living by being offensive. These people (mostly comedians) have learned how to be politically incorrect with little or no fallout. So head over to YouTube, search for Carlos Mencia, George Lopez, old-school Eddie Murphy, Bill Maher, or George Carlin. Study their technique and mimic it.

2. Consider your motivation. There are several reasons to be offensive. Many of them are just unhealthy. If you feel that you must be insulting because you were insulted, or for revenge, then perhaps you should find another medium for your animosity. Something harmless, like subversive knitting or running a marathon. However, it is sometimes acceptable to be politically incorrect because you’re looking for a laugh, or because you have pent up social energy, and being offensive is the best way you can see to let it out.

3. It doesn’t hurt to be charming and attractive. In all aspects of life, we have to try to balance out the bad with the good. So, while being offensive or politically incorrect, be sure that some of your better qualities are shining through.

4. Find a common enemy with your audience. Don’t tell a sexist joke in front of all of your feminist friends. Only make fun of blondes while with brunettes. If you poke fun at someone that your audience isn’t fond of, they are more likely to agree with you.

5. Learn your boundaries. The most important thing about learning to be politically incorrect is to know when to stop. There is a line between a joke that will get you a good laugh, and a comment that will get you shot. Become acquainted with that line, and never cross it in public.

6. If you must find a way to vent all of your offensive remarks, and know that if you do so in public you might be punched, use characters in television or movies as target practice while you’re alone. Nothing is more entertaining and relaxing than yelling at the swooning heartthrob or shy outsider of a soap opera.

7. Do it anonymously. The Internet is a wonderful place where anyone can say anything they want, and it can remain generally anonymous. Start a blog like The Superficial or ONTD, and let loose all of your politically incorrect witticisms.

8. Remember that you’ve got to be willing to take the punishment. If you offend someone who has some sort of leeway over you (a professor, coach, bus driver, or bartender), you’ll probably have to deal with the consequences (a bad grade, a season on the bench, walking home for a month, or weeks of stale drinks).

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How to make spring come faster

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue Date: 2/25/08
Section: Life

It has been a long, hard winter. Utah County has suffered through weeks and weeks of gray skies, seemingly constant snowfall, icy roads, biting wind, and frozen appendages.

Winter has forcefully taken all color and warmth from the county, holding inhabitants prisoner under skies that are the same shade as the enormous snow piles that line the road. It’s about time for the prisoners to strike out against their frosty warden. Here’s how:

1. Two words: aerosol and Freon. Less ozone means less winter.

2. Use reverse psychology on the weather. Buy a bunch of winter clothes and pick up stocks in snowboarding companies. This is especially useful if you have a history of bad luck. Use that to your advantage and make spring come out of hiding.

3. Send threatening letters to Punxsutawney Phil and your local weatherman.

4. Drain Utah Lake, to get rid of the lake effect entirely.

5. Surround yourself with pastels, and create an apocryphal spring for yourself. Turn up the thermostat, record reruns of MTV’s spring break episodes and put them on repeat, and imagine your way to Easter.

6. Stage protests. This is particularly easy, since the weather is everywhere and it doesn’t really matter where you choose to protest its misbehavior.

8. Get your taxes done. It is possible, after all, that the IRS holds spring hostage until they have received enough money.

9. If all else fails, try your hand with the patron saints of good weather: Agricola of Avignon, Fridolin, and Medard of Noyon (according to saints.sqpn.com). If Catholicism isn’t your thing, try performing a Shinto dragon dance to promote good weather and a fair harvest. It certainly can’t hurt.

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How to survive until good television is back

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue Date: 2/18/08

The writer’s strike is officially over. However, goodness knows how long it will be until we get some new episodes on the air.

Until then, we have to find a way to make due without our favorite stories.

1. Get a hobby. Find something to do that keeps your mind off of your vacant television screen. Learn to roller-skate. Make macramé plant-holders. Trim hedges. Knit a sweater. Just find a way to keep busy during prime time.

2. Make your own drama. If you are so accustomed to living with languishing lovers, medical mysteries, courtroom conundrums, and suburban comedy, you’ll just have to create those situations without the help of Hollywood. Convince yourself that your roommate has a disease that only you can cure. Turn that spring fling into a whirlwind romance that you can regret later.

3. If you simply can’t do without television of some sort, go to ABC and NBC’s websites. They have a really great online episode viewer, so you can catch up on all those shows you didn’t know you liked until now. And each commercial break is only thirty seconds long.

4. Learn to love reality television, because it may be all you get for the next few weeks. Dance War and America’s Next Top Model may just be the funniest things to ever be shown on television, Survivor can assuage your need for interpersonal drama, and there are about a thousand game-shows broadcasting now that can help you hone your useless-trivia skills.

5. Read books. They don’t come in nice, tidy, half-hour packages, but they can be just as (or more) interesting than television.

6. Take those extra couple hours that the strike has given you every night and actually study. Do what you always punish yourself during commercial breaks for not doing.

7. Recruit a couple friends or neighbors and make your own television. If you have a camcorder, use that. If not, cut a rectangular hole in the front of a large box, trap a roommate in there, and let them be your entertainment.

8. Expand your film knowledge. Jump on the Netflix bandwagon and go to town on those classics that you’ve never seen before. Or head to the UVSC bookstore, which sells “previously viewed” DVD’s for six to ten dollars.

9. Whatever you do, don’t panic. Your favorite stories will be back on the air soon.

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How to …

How to Annoy Your Roommates

Without getting Evicted

By: Mel Sundquist

Issue Date: 3-3-08
Section: Life

“Why can’t we all just get along?” is sometimes an impossible request. Especially when dealing with the stress of going to college, students sometimes simply must play the villain, just to get their negative feelings out in the open. And this is fine, as long as there are few or no consequences. We must learn to toe the line between relatively harmless pranks and punishable offenses. And who better to practice on than the people you live with?

1. Pick your target. Perhaps you shouldn’t cellophane the toilet seat of your physical science major roommate whose emphasis is in wrestling. Pick the roommate that is least competitive, but who will still make a fuss about it.

2. Leave no trail. Watch a few episodes of CSI, notice what the criminals did wrong that lead to their capture, and avoid these mistakes. Don’t let anyone see you in the middle of your prank, don’t return to the scene of the crime, and don’t admit your deed to anyone, as tempting as it may be to brag about it.

3. Find the ideal crime. Don’t pull pranks like the classic electric-razor-shavings-in-the-sheets bit, because a) it leaves too much evidence, b) the evidence may lead to reciprocation, and c) watching your roommate squirm and itch all night isn’t as enjoyable as, say, listening to said roommate freak out because every time he or she goes into the kitchen the refrigerator door is open.

4. Keep in mind that the best prank is one that could possibly, without an actual prankster behind it, happen in real life. The turn signal on your roommate’s car could possibly have reversed due to some electronic glitch. All of your roommate’s clothes might have fallen off of their respective hangers because of the wind or a small earthquake. Keep your pranks somewhat feasible, and don’t push them too hard. You don’t want to get into a full-out war with the people you live with.

5. Have a solid alibi. Make sure to save that essay on your computer at the exact time the prank would have been committed. Make yourself seen in your building’s gym right before or after the prank. If your roommates know that you’ve just been sitting around at home all day, they’re sure to guess who the culprit is.

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